I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
