why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
