I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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