this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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