i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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