I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
