There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
