I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
