Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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