dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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