all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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