Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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