Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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