he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
