i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
