I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
