I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
