Michael Bay diarrhea
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
