Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish i was in the wii world.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
