i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
