My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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