somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
