My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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