Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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