The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
