also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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