Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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