My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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