Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
