Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
