god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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