Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
