Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So here I am, sexting at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
