I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
