I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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