And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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