Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
