You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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