just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
