Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
