i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
