Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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