he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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