Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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