if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
