I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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