Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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