I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
