Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
