Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
