Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
